Of all the ridiculous tabloid stories I've heard from a popstar recently, Jessie J's anecdote with The Sun about getting locked in a toilet (!) at a Jay Z/Kanye West gig is possibly the greatest I've ever heard. So great in fact that I was inspired to imagine just what might have happened that fateful night. Please enjoy the completely fictional tale of the night Jessie J went to a gig and got locked in a bathroom.
Jessie J bounds happily into the enormous London concert venue with an huge smile plastered across her frequently animated face. "BLOODY 'ELL" she declares to Will.i.am and her best mate (let's call her Jill)
"AH KAHNT BULAHV AN ESSEX GURRRRL LAHK ME IZ GOIN TEW SEE WATCH THUUU THRAYN. ITZ JUS LAHK DAT SONG I WROTE FOR MILEY CALLED PORTAY IN THA USA CEPT I'M OWF TO PORTAY WIV KANYE N JAY Z AS OPPOSED TEW OLL UHF AMERICUH!"
"Yeah. It's... dope" Will says while bashing out 16 tweets per minute and glancing at her.
"It is great Jessie" Jill adds "We haven't hung out in so long what with you being on the Voice and constantly touri-" "HOW MAH GAHD SHADDAP JIILLLL" Jessie interjects "ITZ KANYE AND HIS CRUUUU, LET'S GEDDIN!"
The motley trio pop over to Kanye West and Jay Z and celebrity mogul Kim Kardashian who is starring in a small compact mirror and softly rubbing her own ass.
"OI KIM K WHY YEW RUBBING YUR OWN ARRRSSEE?" Jessie belts, wondering if she will need to tell her that is in fact OK not to be OK. Kim looks at her for a moment and shrugs.
"Kim ain't talking much" Kanye explains "Beyonce been giving her all this shit about not being a real talent whenever they've hung out and she keeps touching her ass for comfort"
"WELL GOYS AS MY POSITION AS A COACH ON THA VOYOICE YEWKAY I MUST SAY WHILE I AM NOT A JUDGE AND I WOULD NEVAH JUDGE ANYWUN I DO 'AV TO WONDER WHY SOMEONE 'HO ONLY GOT FAMUSS FO' 'AVING A LARGE BOTTOM N A TAPE OF HER POKING BRANDY'S BRUVVA CAN BE FAMOUS. BUT JEWNOWHOT I AIN'T GONNA JUDGE ANYONE BUT LISTEN 'ERE KIM ITZ-"
"OK not to be OK, yes we get it Jessie" Will.i.am cuts in, irritiably. "You've said that to me six times already today because it took me so long to figure out the offside rule."
Jay-Z, clearly far too classy to either date a Kardashian or entertain J-J-J-J-Jessie J suggests they head towards the stage for their rather elaborate show. Kanye agrees and the pair head towards to the stage. Kim saunters along, muttering something about Beyonce and a platinum disc being thrown at her head. Jessie J turns to best mate Jill and smiles "CAHMAN JILL LETZ TRY N GIT ON THE STAGE WIV DEM N O'ILL GIT KANYE TO DO THE RAP VURRS IN PRICE TAG" she yaps "MAHBUH JAY WILL LEMME USE HIM AS 'UMAN CHAIR WHOILE OI SING, LIKE PAULA ABDUL IN BORAT"
Jill expresses some doubts about this plan but agrees to tag along anyway, secretly hoping she can corner Kim Kardashian and ask her if that really IS her own arse.
Doing their best to keep up with Kanye and Jay and Big Arse Kim, Jessie and Jill giggle away nervously. 'WOW WHAT A CREW!" Jessie exclaims while Jill points out the toilet near the stage. "'ANG ON I BETTAH CHECK MAH LIPPY BEFORE WE GO ONSTAGE" Jessie screeches "IF OI'M GUNNA SING A SONG ABOUT THE EFFEX UHV MATEREEELIZUM ON DA YOOF UHF TODAY MAH LIPPY BETTAH LOOK NOICE."
The girls quickly run to the toilet. Jill notes that the door seems a bit broken but locks it anyway, remembering a horrible childhood memory of her brother barging in on her when she was peeing and not wishing to take her chances.
After applying several coats of a lipstick that could only be called "Popstars Are The Only People Who Could Get Away With Wearing This Shade of Purple" Jessie looks at Jill and tells her:
"JILL AH RECKUHN WE SHUD GIT GOIN' OI DON' WANT TO MISS MOI CHANCE TO TELL DA YOOF ABOUT THE PERILZ OF TEW MUCH CASH WHILE SHOWING OFF ME NEW LOUBS JEWNOWHOTAMEAN?"
Jill looks a tad nervous and slowly says to Jessie "I've got some bad news love, the door is locked! We're stuck in here!"
"STUCK IN 'ERE? IN THE BLOODY TOILET? WHOT? OI GODDA SONG TEW SIN'!! OMIGOD THIS IS WELL STRESSFUL! WE GODDA GIT OUDDA 'ERE!"
Jessie and Jill scream for help for a moment, noticing that the gig is already in full swing. Jill frantically thumps the door while Jessie starts to panic.
"OI MOH GOD WHOT IF OI DIE IN 'ERE!" Jessie wails. "WHOT IF I NEVER GIT TO PEOPLE TO FORGOT ABOUT THE PRICE TAG ITZ OK NOT TO BE OK AND THAT THEY'RE LOIKE LASER LIGHTS? OR PERFORM WIV D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DAVID G IN IBEEFA? WHOT IFFFFFFF"
Jessie falls to the floor, thumping her feet dramatically and whirling her hair, a voice in the back of her head telling her to remember this bit of choreography for her next single.
Suddenly a thundering crash is heard and the door of the toilet caves in. "OI MAH GOD PRAISE MAH RECURD DEEL" Jessie gasps "SECURITY 'AV LEDDUS OWT! JUST IN TOIME FO' ME TO PERFOHM PROICE TAG!
"Oh no girl" a voice tells Jessie "that AIN'T happening tonight".
Jessie and Jill look in the doorway and see a slender, petite but imposing figure in front of them.
"HOW MAH GAWD!" Jessie barks "BEYONSAY?? OI THAWT IT WUZ SECURITEEH?"
"I AM security bitch!" Beyonce spits "You think I let just any fool keep an eye on things for my man performing with his best friend? Oh no. Beyonce does not play that way".
"ALL ROIGHT I HEAR YA LUV" Jessie shots back "NO NEED TO DROP IN THA CALLING YOSELF IN THE THURD PURSUN BIT. EVEN OI THINK THAT'S A BIT MUCH"
Beyonce raises an eyebrow. "Listen boo" she says slowly "I know about your plan to sing that raggedy song about money or whatever on stage tonight. And I'm going to say to you what I said to Kelly Rowland everytime she asked to perform Stole at a Destiny's Child concert. No way, no how, not while I steal have a small breath of life left in my perfect body."
"BUT BUT BUT" Jessie yelps"BEYONSAY MAH SO-" "DON'T make me re-enact the iconic fight scene from my number one movie Obsessed with you girl" Beyonce says coldly. "Why don't you go skulk to the back of the VIP section, enjoy the show and if you feel like singing, just ask Kim Kardashian what it's like when you cross Miss Beyonce". Beyonce skulks away, leaving the scent of her own perfume and Kim Kardashian's tears in her wake.
Jessie and Jill step out of the toilet slowly. Jill is amazed that Jessie has now remained speechless for nearly two minutes, a personal best.
"JILL" Jessie bellows slowly "THAT BEYONSAY IS WELL SCARY. DO YOU THINK SHE'D DO A DUET WIV ME?"
- Obviously all of this is TOTALLY made up, all for a laugh and completely pulled out of my mind for no real reason. It's funny to imagine ridiculous antics celebs might sometimes get up to based on a myriad of ridiculous tabloid stories.