Female Rebel Yell: Miley Cyrus "Bangerz" Review

"I'm a female rebel, can't you tell?" Miley Cyrus deadpans early into new album Bangerz. And given the year she's had (and we've had with her) it's hard to disagree with that kind of sentiment.

Bangerz comes just as MTV debuts a documentary where she talks "talking over the whole world" with "more than just a record" and a year that's had her "shock the world" via the MTV VMAs and respond rather rudely to Sinead O'Connor's open-letter hand wringing over her new found love of using her body to mark out her adulthood. 

The teen star grows up by getting sexy thing is a mold that certainly fits where Cyrus has landed but there's more to it than just "I'm grown now so there goes my clothes". 

Cyrus has always been something of a gawky presence even at the peak of her Hannah Montana fame, her stage presence having a kind of off beat energy that suggested that her drawly, country-tinged voice and her knack for fanning controversy would see her past her TV days.

So in an odd way, for her to swing her sound into a country-pop-R'n'B hybrid seems like the awkward and all over the place a move as you'd expect from a 20-year old multi millionaire who has spent a chunk of their almost-adult life in public.

You desperately want Bangerz to be a killer pop album. Especially as the Sinead O'Connor back and forth exposes Cyrus in lacking a degree of tact and yet another over the top collab with Terry Richardson emerges showing even more of the starlet. But can it ever really live up to such controversy-baiting hype?

Jessie J Gets Stuck In A Toilet: An Imaginary Adventure

Of all the ridiculous tabloid stories I've heard from a popstar recently, Jessie J's anecdote with The Sun about getting locked in a toilet (!) at a Jay Z/Kanye West gig is possibly the greatest I've ever heard. So great in fact that I was inspired to imagine just what might have happened that fateful night. Please enjoy the completely fictional tale of the night Jessie J went to a gig and got locked in a bathroom.
--
Jessie J bounds happily into the enormous London concert venue with an huge smile plastered across her frequently animated face. "BLOODY 'ELL" she declares to Will.i.am and her best mate (let's call her Jill)
"AH KAHNT BULAHV AN ESSEX GURRRRL LAHK ME IZ GOIN TEW SEE WATCH THUUU THRAYN. ITZ JUS LAHK DAT SONG I WROTE FOR MILEY CALLED PORTAY IN THA USA CEPT I'M OWF TO PORTAY WIV KANYE N JAY Z AS OPPOSED TEW OLL UHF AMERICUH!"

"Yeah. It's... dope" Will says while bashing out 16 tweets per minute and glancing at her. 

"It is great Jessie" Jill adds "We haven't hung out in so long what with you being on the Voice and constantly touri-" "HOW MAH GAHD SHADDAP JIILLLL" Jessie interjects "ITZ KANYE AND HIS CRUUUU, LET'S GEDDIN!" 

The motley trio pop over to Kanye West and Jay Z and celebrity mogul Kim Kardashian who is starring in a small compact mirror and softly rubbing her own ass. 
"OI KIM K WHY YEW RUBBING YUR OWN ARRRSSEE?" Jessie belts, wondering if she will need to tell her that is in fact OK not to be OK. Kim looks at her for a moment and shrugs. 
"Kim ain't talking much" Kanye explains "Beyonce been giving her all this shit about not being a real talent whenever they've hung out and she keeps touching her ass for comfort"

"WELL GOYS AS MY POSITION AS A COACH ON THA VOYOICE YEWKAY I MUST SAY WHILE I AM NOT A JUDGE AND I WOULD NEVAH JUDGE ANYWUN I DO 'AV TO WONDER WHY SOMEONE 'HO ONLY GOT FAMUSS FO' 'AVING A LARGE BOTTOM N A TAPE OF HER POKING BRANDY'S BRUVVA CAN BE FAMOUS. BUT JEWNOWHOT I AIN'T GONNA JUDGE ANYONE BUT LISTEN 'ERE KIM ITZ-" 
"OK not to be OK, yes we get it Jessie" Will.i.am cuts in, irritiably. "You've said that to me six times already today because it took me so long to figure out the offside rule."

Jay-Z, clearly far too classy to either date a Kardashian or entertain J-J-J-J-Jessie J suggests they head towards the stage for their rather elaborate show. Kanye agrees and the pair head towards to the stage. Kim saunters along, muttering something about Beyonce and a platinum disc being thrown at her head. Jessie J turns to best mate Jill and smiles "CAHMAN JILL LETZ TRY N GIT ON THE STAGE WIV DEM N O'ILL GIT KANYE TO DO THE RAP VURRS IN PRICE TAG" she yaps "MAHBUH JAY WILL LEMME USE HIM AS 'UMAN CHAIR WHOILE OI SING, LIKE PAULA ABDUL IN BORAT" 
Jill expresses some doubts about this plan but agrees to tag along anyway, secretly hoping she can corner Kim Kardashian and ask her if that really IS her own arse.

Doing their best to keep up with Kanye and Jay and Big Arse Kim, Jessie and Jill giggle away nervously. 'WOW WHAT A CREW!" Jessie exclaims while Jill points out the toilet near the stage. "'ANG ON I BETTAH CHECK MAH LIPPY BEFORE WE GO ONSTAGE" Jessie screeches "IF OI'M GUNNA SING A SONG ABOUT THE EFFEX UHV MATEREEELIZUM ON DA YOOF UHF TODAY MAH LIPPY BETTAH LOOK NOICE." 
The girls quickly run to the toilet. Jill notes that the door seems a bit broken but locks it anyway, remembering a horrible childhood memory of her brother barging in on her when she was peeing and not wishing to take her chances.

After applying several coats of a lipstick that could only be called "Popstars Are The Only People Who Could Get Away With Wearing This Shade of Purple" Jessie looks at Jill and tells her:
"JILL AH RECKUHN WE SHUD GIT GOIN' OI DON' WANT TO MISS MOI CHANCE TO TELL DA YOOF ABOUT THE PERILZ OF TEW MUCH CASH WHILE SHOWING OFF ME NEW LOUBS JEWNOWHOTAMEAN?"
Jill looks a tad nervous and slowly says to Jessie "I've got some bad news love, the door is locked! We're stuck in here!"

"STUCK IN 'ERE? IN THE BLOODY TOILET? WHOT? OI GODDA SONG TEW SIN'!! OMIGOD THIS IS WELL STRESSFUL! WE GODDA GIT OUDDA 'ERE!"

Jessie and Jill scream for help for a moment, noticing that the gig is already in full swing. Jill frantically thumps the door while Jessie starts to panic.

"OI MOH GOD WHOT IF OI DIE IN 'ERE!" Jessie wails. "WHOT IF I NEVER GIT TO PEOPLE TO FORGOT ABOUT THE PRICE TAG ITZ OK NOT TO BE OK AND THAT THEY'RE LOIKE LASER LIGHTS? OR PERFORM WIV D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DAVID G IN IBEEFA? WHOT IFFFFFFF" 
Jessie falls to the floor, thumping her feet dramatically and whirling her hair, a voice in the back of her head telling her to remember this bit of choreography for her next single.

Suddenly a thundering crash is heard and the door of the toilet caves in. "OI MAH GOD PRAISE MAH RECURD DEEL" Jessie gasps "SECURITY 'AV LEDDUS OWT! JUST IN TOIME FO' ME TO PERFOHM PROICE TAG!

"Oh no girl" a voice tells Jessie "that AIN'T happening tonight".

Jessie and Jill look in the doorway and see a slender, petite but imposing figure in front of them. 

"HOW MAH GAWD!" Jessie barks "BEYONSAY?? OI THAWT IT WUZ SECURITEEH?"

"I AM security bitch!" Beyonce spits "You think I let just any fool keep an eye on things for my man performing with his best friend? Oh no. Beyonce does not play that way".

"ALL ROIGHT I HEAR YA LUV" Jessie shots back "NO NEED TO DROP IN THA CALLING YOSELF IN THE THURD PURSUN BIT. EVEN OI THINK THAT'S A BIT MUCH"

Beyonce raises an eyebrow. "Listen boo" she says slowly "I know about your plan to sing that raggedy song about money or whatever on stage tonight. And I'm going to say to you what I said to Kelly Rowland everytime she asked to perform Stole at a Destiny's Child concert. No way, no how, not while I steal have a small breath of life left in my perfect body."

"BUT BUT BUT" Jessie yelps"BEYONSAY MAH SO-" "DON'T make me re-enact the iconic fight scene from my number one movie Obsessed with you girl" Beyonce says coldly. "Why don't you go skulk to the back of the VIP section, enjoy the show and if you feel like singing, just ask Kim Kardashian what it's like when you cross Miss Beyonce". Beyonce skulks away, leaving the scent of her own perfume and Kim Kardashian's tears in her wake.

Jessie and Jill step out of the toilet slowly. Jill is amazed that Jessie has now remained speechless for nearly two minutes, a personal best.

"JILL" Jessie bellows slowly "THAT BEYONSAY IS WELL SCARY. DO YOU THINK SHE'D DO A DUET WIV ME?"


- Obviously all of this is TOTALLY made up, all for a laugh and completely pulled out of my mind for no real reason. It's funny to imagine ridiculous antics celebs might sometimes get up to based on a myriad of ridiculous tabloid stories.

Spin That Record - Tunes of the Moment Circa May 2010

Oh I know the blog has been away awhile but while we're getting back into the swing of things, enjoy a list of tunes that I'm enjoying at the moment. It's your typical mix of old/new and respectable/not respectable. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Lady Gaga - Alejandro (The Sound of Arrows Remix)

Ke$ha - Lost Weekend

Alexandra Burke feat. Pitbull - All Night Long

Hurts - Better Than Love

Miley Cyrus - Can't Be Tamed

Uffie feat. Pharrell Williams - ADD SUV

Crookers feat. Kelis - No Security (Bart B More Remix)

Ciara feat. Ludacris - Ride

Kelly Rowland - Commander

Enrique Iglesias feat. Pitbull - I Like It

Mini Viva - One Touch

Kid Sister  feat. Kanye West - Pro Nails

Hole - Samantha

Usher  feat. Nicki Minaj - Lil' Freak

New Video Alert X 5

There has been a bumper batch of new videos from various pop ladies in the last week or so which means its about time for a quick rundown of these new offerings.

Cheryl Cole - Fight For This Love

For this worried that Cheryl's rather lovely but rather sedate solo single lacked punch this video should go some way towards changing your mind. I love the colours and the styling (lets overlook the leopard print dance trousers shall we?) and it looks and feels like the arrival of Cheryl as a Proper Popstar. She oozes charisma and I like the use of graphics and set ups too with military garb Cheryl and "writhing against a wall" Cheryl being my favourites. Lets hope her next single is a stomper so that she can do another video as good as this.

Alexandra Burke - Bad Boys

There is something awfully 80s action movie about this video but that's no bad thing. It also underlines quite clearly the "She's not Leona, she can dance!" vibe that has become a large part of Alex's appeal. I like the strange mix of would be bad ass hip hop guys and the Broadway show esque dancing through every sequence. Its the kind of mix that is perfect for a pop video. If I were being churlish I would point out that Alex looks a little stiff but its her first proper video so I'll let her off. Its a confident and bold video though and anything that isn't Leona doing 90s Mariah is fine by me. And besides the bit where the music drops out, Ms Burke kicks a wall down and struts into some dance off related showdown is quite fantastic. The rest of the video could have been utter shit and I would have liked it for that part alone.

Amerie - Heard 'Em All

Great video attached to not so great song alert! This is clearly Amerie's big budget re-entry to the music scene. The tune is listenable but hardly groundbreaking and I fully expect it to disappear which is a shame but the video! My god, talk about slick. Directed by Anthony Mandler (who has worked with a slew of hip-hop heavyweights and most recently did Run This Town for Jay Z) this video looks and feels like every inch the mini movie and I love the image of Amerie as this hooded agressive figure stalking her way through some kind of factory/abandoned warehouse/derelict building. The choreography is great too. The song will pass you by but its nice to see people can still rustle up big budgets for music videos these days.



Kesha - Tik Tok

In one way nothing really happens in this video but its awfully good fun nonetheless. The debut single from Uffie meets Britney pop starlet Kesha it does a fine job of introducing her messy locks and thrown together look. The clever edits at the start tease the eventual party scene that we get to look at but not before Kesha hangs around with some dodgy looking guys and shocks a white picket fence family. The best bit is undoubtedly Kesha wobbling around during the middle eight before making her way to the inevitable hipster hoedown. While I can't help but wish for a more eye popping video this does a fine job of letting us see that Kesha is both a hot mess and a fine popstar. And who could ask for more than that?



Miley Cyrus - Party In The USA

Given that both this track and Kesha's were produced by Dr. Luke they sound fairly similar. In fact Party In The USA is like Tik Tok's more responsible but still fun loving younger sister. This video ain't too exciting either but Miley is oddly charming. In fact its the best shes ever looked in a video. Fun lovin' but grown up, not winding around a pole (thank you Teen Choice Awards) and flanked by some backup dancers who've got ten years on Miley and seem to think they're in a Flo Rida video this is another step on the ladder for Miley to become a big league popstar as opposed to a teen star done good.

Tunes of the Moment Circa Mid August 2009

Lets list some more top tunes shall we?

In no particular order:

Whitney Houston - Million Dollar Bill : shimmer-y, sassy and uplifting disco pop and a great comeback single for Miss Houston.

Eva Simons - Silly Boy: Still sounds like a Rihanna/Lady Gaga demo but really thats no bad thing. The video is bonkers too which helps.

Eve - Me N My (Up In The Club) : a blippy, noisy electro hip hop track that I wasn't expecting from Eve but great nonetheless.

Little Boots - Catch 22 : I don't know why it took me so long to find out how amazing this and also why it wasn't on the album! Forshame Little Boots, forshame. See also Stuck On Repeat (Fake Blood Mix)

Fake Blood - Mars : this is one of those "dimly aware of it ages ago, finally got around to listening to it now" songs and I love it.

MGMT - Kids (80skidz Remix) : adds a lick of a paint and covers ovrt some of the overplayed sheen this had a while ago. Not a new mix as far as I know but I stumbled on it and it makes me happy.

Sean Kingston - Fire Burning : I hate Sean Kingston with a fiery passion but I really love this completely by the numbers Red One number and I'm not sure why!

Might Like You Better - Amanda Blank: I like that the first time I heard this I was dancing like a trooper on a Sunday evening. Always a nice way to be introduced to a song.

Richard Vission & Static Revenger feat. Luciana - I Like That: Brilliant dirty dance pop. Why isn't Luciana huge?

Jade Ewen - My Man : So four years ago but so fun. a great slice of R&B pop. The Cahill Remix is great.

Boys and Girls - Pixie Lott: Chirpy and enjoyable pop. The Moto Blanco and Hot Pink Deleorean mixes are fantastic too.

Backstreet Boys - Straight Through the Heart : Catchy, immediate old school pop.

Miley Cyrus - Party In The USA : You can try and resist. But why bother? This is sunny, carefree and will plaster a smile over your face. You cynic you.