10 Ways Katy Perry's "Part of Me" Could Have Been Vastly Improved.

I knocked this together around Christmas when I noticed that Katy Perry's "Part of Me" documentary was being flogged as Christmas gift idea. And even when the likes of Jessie Ware were saying how the film was like, well insightful. Eh, what? It wasn't. This is sort of a sister piece to the time I wasn't impressed with her Wide Awake video. I quite like KP, I just find her a bit disappointing sometimes. Like a wayward cousin I only see during big holidays. Anyway, enjoy!

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Katy Perry’s “Part Of Me” the 3D Concert Film Documentary thing arrives on DVD this week. While it was a moderate success at the box office it will likely be a “stocking filler” choice by many harassed parents as they sail past bargain DVDs and One Direction merch in whatever supermarket is doing a sideline in entertainment products this Christmas.

Unlike say Madonna’s infamous In Bed With Madonna (aka Truth Or Dare aka THE GREATEST FILM EVER) Perry’s film never really gives you any sense of what she’s really like or allows anyone other than her to speak about life on the road. Apart from the rather upsetting sequence where she breaks down in Brazil after divorcing her husband it’s all fluffy as can be, a 90 minute advert on LIVING UR DREAMZ!1!! and NEVAH GIVN UP!1!. It’s a shame, because as bubblegum as her songs may be, Perry regularly displays a sharp wit and a camp self-awareness that makes for engaging interviews. Instead we’re left with a bargain basement E! True Hollywood Story with a few pop songs scattered throughout.

How could we improve it then?

Below are 10 Ways In Which Part Of Me Could Have Been A Bit Less Rubbish.

10: Less Whitewashing: The story arc of Katy’s struggle to find stardom is a lynchpin to the film. There are some fun details about how she barely made money but the mini controversy over her buzz single Ur So Gay that garnered blog attention both good and bad before I Kissed A Girl blew up is never touched on. In fact discussing how Perry weathered this and how it could have derailed her eventual big break is an interesting plot point completely ignored for a chance to go WOW SHE JUST GO SO BIG SO FAST.

9: 3D Grandma: Katy’s surly 90 something year old grandma is the highlight of the whole film and the fact that she never gets a moment to loom out at you in 3D is a disgrace. A DISGRACE.

8: More Celebs: The bit where Adele turns up and says SHEZ JUZ GOD A LODDA ‘ITS ‘ASNT SHE? Is so unexpected and delightful that you wish that she’d been a talking head throughout. AH REMEMBAH AH KISSED A GIRL BIT UHV A CATCHY SONG WUZN’T IT? And so on.

7: A Proper Performance of Part Of Me: Despite a sense of fatigue with Katy’s never ending slew of chart smashes the film’s title track is actually a solid gold stomper. How fun would it have been if there had been an elaborate performance of it over the end credits? Feather boas, explosions, glamour etc etc. It would certainly make up for that risible video she did for it. Shudder.

6: A Proper Rihanna Cameo: We all know Katy and Riri are best mates so why there isn’t a extended sequence where they braid each others hair, have a sleepover and talk shit about boys is beyond me. Imagine a documentary film that was basically a pop version of Thelma and Louise, with Riri n KP prank calling Lady Gaga, eating too much junk food etc etc. It would be incredible.

5: Wigs : A discussion of what it must be like for KP to wear so many wigs and perhaps a gratuitous of her Wig Room (because she must have one. She must) would have been nice. I’m just saying.

Here are some wigs. But not Katy wigs : (

4: Acknowledgement: The bit where a bunch of teen girls singing the nursery rhyme hook of Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F) as if getting so drunk you blackout is as casual as your morning Cheerios is oddly disturbing. It would have been fitting for someone as self as aware Katy Perry to go “Um, that’s weird, nervous laugh, oops, moving on” etc (This parody of the song kind of sums up my feelings on this)

3: More Cats Please: The bit where Katy and friends visit the Cat Café in Japan should have been extended to be about 30 minutes of the entire movie to be quite honest.

2: “THE SPLIT” : LOOK KATY I DON’T MEAN TO SHOUT BUT YOU SPENT ALL THIS TIME FLAPPING AROUND THE RED CARPET WITH YOUR FELLA AND SINGING SONGS ABOUT HIM AND THEN WE GET A VAGUE NOT VERY CLEAR IDEA OF WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU SO WHY DID YOU NOT LOOK AT IT PROPERLY I’M JUST SAYING EVEN AN E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY WOULD HAVE GONE INTO MORE DETAIL OK THANKS.

1: No, Really, Katy’s Grandma: Not only should have been in 3D she should have been in every scene. Katy’s Grandma is a Honey Boo Boo style scene-stealer.  Now there’s a reality show we’d watch.

To sum up: Someone get Rihanna and Katy Perry their own film, someone get Katy’s granny her own TV show and someone make sure they don’t get me this DVD for Christmas.

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Disclaimer: I've bought both her albums so Katy Perry is basically laughing all the way to the bank/vault/whatever she uses to put all her money in

Katy Perry's Wide Awake Video: A First Impression

I do love a new pop video and when I finally got around to watching the new Katy Perry clip for Wide Awake, I was curious to see what one of pop's biggest stars would drum up. Particularly as the song itself feels a little bit more restrained than some of her recent over the top hits. I mean, just what might KP cook up for us?

Here is my first impression review, because what can be more in-depth and analytical than a first-watch only response to a big pop video? Nothing, that's what. 

So my first impression of this video is... UM REALLY KATY PERRY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT IT? IS. THAT. IT? 

It opens with KP wrapping her final "naked but for the grace of a strategically placed cloud" shot for her California Gurls video, exchanging limp "witty banter" with a crew member (When in actual fact as a Huge Ass Celebrity, Katy probably never does this. Probably) before sitting in her dressing room and removing the wig that hides the True Artiste Within. But, GASP as Katy looks into the mirror and she slips into a daydream. 

Now we're in badly plotted music video fairytale land as Katy stalks around a giant maze (the only way this video could be deemed as amazing, hahahahahahahahah-sorry), eats a strawberry and meets a lost little girl (THIS MIGHT BE IMPORTANT LATER). Katy then runs down an alley-way before being confronted by scary demonic paps (because you see they are stealing her SOUL by photographing her so much!), breaking a mirror and ending up in some kind of insane asylum where scary minotaur dudes appear (at this point, I should concede that they did look pretty cool.). Little Girl steps in with some foot stamping that sees them off, freeing Crazy Perry to frolic out of the maze and meet her Prince Charming. But, WAIT! Katy has had a moment of clarity, she is quite literally Wide Awake to the patriarchy-enforcing role of Prince Charming and is having none of it so she punches him and runs away. Yes Katy! You Go Girl! Sisterhood!!!

Katy turns to her little girl partner in crime and bids her farewell as she presses something into her hand. She scurries away (probably to kick her mom in the shins for booking her such a cheesy gig) while Katy stares wistfully after her and OH MY GOD PLOT TWIST the little girl has the name Kathryn on her bicycle name plate!!!1!!11! Which is in fact Katy's real name! Like, don't lose sight of your dreamz guyz. You too can work your ass off and shot whip cream/fireworks/whatever you desire out of your boobs and have multiple number one hits.

Katy opens her hand to see a beautiful CGI butterfly flap away and we are back with Katy In Real Life in her dressing room clad in tour opening outfit. Looking bewildered, the butterfly flys away and seamlessly (i.e. not at all) transitions into the closing shot which is Katy arriving on stage for her show. The same show that is, funnily enough, the subject of the big-screen documentary this song is the single for. What beautiful synergy.

In short, this video is a cloying, overdone mess that takes a rather good pop song, a quite likable child actor and some cool minotaur guys and turns it into an overly sentimental eye roll inducing mess. And the funny thing is, it's still better than her last video which featured Perry with a ridiculous short haircut dancing like a blindfolded monkey under a flag and being the world's most incompetent solider. Good Lord.

I'm still probably going to go see that documentary though. So really, it's Katy Kathryn Hudson Perry Formerly Brand who is the true winner here. Balls.