Jessie J Gets Stuck In A Toilet: An Imaginary Adventure

Of all the ridiculous tabloid stories I've heard from a popstar recently, Jessie J's anecdote with The Sun about getting locked in a toilet (!) at a Jay Z/Kanye West gig is possibly the greatest I've ever heard. So great in fact that I was inspired to imagine just what might have happened that fateful night. Please enjoy the completely fictional tale of the night Jessie J went to a gig and got locked in a bathroom.
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Jessie J bounds happily into the enormous London concert venue with an huge smile plastered across her frequently animated face. "BLOODY 'ELL" she declares to Will.i.am and her best mate (let's call her Jill)
"AH KAHNT BULAHV AN ESSEX GURRRRL LAHK ME IZ GOIN TEW SEE WATCH THUUU THRAYN. ITZ JUS LAHK DAT SONG I WROTE FOR MILEY CALLED PORTAY IN THA USA CEPT I'M OWF TO PORTAY WIV KANYE N JAY Z AS OPPOSED TEW OLL UHF AMERICUH!"

"Yeah. It's... dope" Will says while bashing out 16 tweets per minute and glancing at her. 

"It is great Jessie" Jill adds "We haven't hung out in so long what with you being on the Voice and constantly touri-" "HOW MAH GAHD SHADDAP JIILLLL" Jessie interjects "ITZ KANYE AND HIS CRUUUU, LET'S GEDDIN!" 

The motley trio pop over to Kanye West and Jay Z and celebrity mogul Kim Kardashian who is starring in a small compact mirror and softly rubbing her own ass. 
"OI KIM K WHY YEW RUBBING YUR OWN ARRRSSEE?" Jessie belts, wondering if she will need to tell her that is in fact OK not to be OK. Kim looks at her for a moment and shrugs. 
"Kim ain't talking much" Kanye explains "Beyonce been giving her all this shit about not being a real talent whenever they've hung out and she keeps touching her ass for comfort"

"WELL GOYS AS MY POSITION AS A COACH ON THA VOYOICE YEWKAY I MUST SAY WHILE I AM NOT A JUDGE AND I WOULD NEVAH JUDGE ANYWUN I DO 'AV TO WONDER WHY SOMEONE 'HO ONLY GOT FAMUSS FO' 'AVING A LARGE BOTTOM N A TAPE OF HER POKING BRANDY'S BRUVVA CAN BE FAMOUS. BUT JEWNOWHOT I AIN'T GONNA JUDGE ANYONE BUT LISTEN 'ERE KIM ITZ-" 
"OK not to be OK, yes we get it Jessie" Will.i.am cuts in, irritiably. "You've said that to me six times already today because it took me so long to figure out the offside rule."

Jay-Z, clearly far too classy to either date a Kardashian or entertain J-J-J-J-Jessie J suggests they head towards the stage for their rather elaborate show. Kanye agrees and the pair head towards to the stage. Kim saunters along, muttering something about Beyonce and a platinum disc being thrown at her head. Jessie J turns to best mate Jill and smiles "CAHMAN JILL LETZ TRY N GIT ON THE STAGE WIV DEM N O'ILL GIT KANYE TO DO THE RAP VURRS IN PRICE TAG" she yaps "MAHBUH JAY WILL LEMME USE HIM AS 'UMAN CHAIR WHOILE OI SING, LIKE PAULA ABDUL IN BORAT" 
Jill expresses some doubts about this plan but agrees to tag along anyway, secretly hoping she can corner Kim Kardashian and ask her if that really IS her own arse.

Doing their best to keep up with Kanye and Jay and Big Arse Kim, Jessie and Jill giggle away nervously. 'WOW WHAT A CREW!" Jessie exclaims while Jill points out the toilet near the stage. "'ANG ON I BETTAH CHECK MAH LIPPY BEFORE WE GO ONSTAGE" Jessie screeches "IF OI'M GUNNA SING A SONG ABOUT THE EFFEX UHV MATEREEELIZUM ON DA YOOF UHF TODAY MAH LIPPY BETTAH LOOK NOICE." 
The girls quickly run to the toilet. Jill notes that the door seems a bit broken but locks it anyway, remembering a horrible childhood memory of her brother barging in on her when she was peeing and not wishing to take her chances.

After applying several coats of a lipstick that could only be called "Popstars Are The Only People Who Could Get Away With Wearing This Shade of Purple" Jessie looks at Jill and tells her:
"JILL AH RECKUHN WE SHUD GIT GOIN' OI DON' WANT TO MISS MOI CHANCE TO TELL DA YOOF ABOUT THE PERILZ OF TEW MUCH CASH WHILE SHOWING OFF ME NEW LOUBS JEWNOWHOTAMEAN?"
Jill looks a tad nervous and slowly says to Jessie "I've got some bad news love, the door is locked! We're stuck in here!"

"STUCK IN 'ERE? IN THE BLOODY TOILET? WHOT? OI GODDA SONG TEW SIN'!! OMIGOD THIS IS WELL STRESSFUL! WE GODDA GIT OUDDA 'ERE!"

Jessie and Jill scream for help for a moment, noticing that the gig is already in full swing. Jill frantically thumps the door while Jessie starts to panic.

"OI MOH GOD WHOT IF OI DIE IN 'ERE!" Jessie wails. "WHOT IF I NEVER GIT TO PEOPLE TO FORGOT ABOUT THE PRICE TAG ITZ OK NOT TO BE OK AND THAT THEY'RE LOIKE LASER LIGHTS? OR PERFORM WIV D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DAVID G IN IBEEFA? WHOT IFFFFFFF" 
Jessie falls to the floor, thumping her feet dramatically and whirling her hair, a voice in the back of her head telling her to remember this bit of choreography for her next single.

Suddenly a thundering crash is heard and the door of the toilet caves in. "OI MAH GOD PRAISE MAH RECURD DEEL" Jessie gasps "SECURITY 'AV LEDDUS OWT! JUST IN TOIME FO' ME TO PERFOHM PROICE TAG!

"Oh no girl" a voice tells Jessie "that AIN'T happening tonight".

Jessie and Jill look in the doorway and see a slender, petite but imposing figure in front of them. 

"HOW MAH GAWD!" Jessie barks "BEYONSAY?? OI THAWT IT WUZ SECURITEEH?"

"I AM security bitch!" Beyonce spits "You think I let just any fool keep an eye on things for my man performing with his best friend? Oh no. Beyonce does not play that way".

"ALL ROIGHT I HEAR YA LUV" Jessie shots back "NO NEED TO DROP IN THA CALLING YOSELF IN THE THURD PURSUN BIT. EVEN OI THINK THAT'S A BIT MUCH"

Beyonce raises an eyebrow. "Listen boo" she says slowly "I know about your plan to sing that raggedy song about money or whatever on stage tonight. And I'm going to say to you what I said to Kelly Rowland everytime she asked to perform Stole at a Destiny's Child concert. No way, no how, not while I steal have a small breath of life left in my perfect body."

"BUT BUT BUT" Jessie yelps"BEYONSAY MAH SO-" "DON'T make me re-enact the iconic fight scene from my number one movie Obsessed with you girl" Beyonce says coldly. "Why don't you go skulk to the back of the VIP section, enjoy the show and if you feel like singing, just ask Kim Kardashian what it's like when you cross Miss Beyonce". Beyonce skulks away, leaving the scent of her own perfume and Kim Kardashian's tears in her wake.

Jessie and Jill step out of the toilet slowly. Jill is amazed that Jessie has now remained speechless for nearly two minutes, a personal best.

"JILL" Jessie bellows slowly "THAT BEYONSAY IS WELL SCARY. DO YOU THINK SHE'D DO A DUET WIV ME?"


- Obviously all of this is TOTALLY made up, all for a laugh and completely pulled out of my mind for no real reason. It's funny to imagine ridiculous antics celebs might sometimes get up to based on a myriad of ridiculous tabloid stories.

Katy Perry's Wide Awake Video: A First Impression

I do love a new pop video and when I finally got around to watching the new Katy Perry clip for Wide Awake, I was curious to see what one of pop's biggest stars would drum up. Particularly as the song itself feels a little bit more restrained than some of her recent over the top hits. I mean, just what might KP cook up for us?

Here is my first impression review, because what can be more in-depth and analytical than a first-watch only response to a big pop video? Nothing, that's what. 

So my first impression of this video is... UM REALLY KATY PERRY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT IT? IS. THAT. IT? 

It opens with KP wrapping her final "naked but for the grace of a strategically placed cloud" shot for her California Gurls video, exchanging limp "witty banter" with a crew member (When in actual fact as a Huge Ass Celebrity, Katy probably never does this. Probably) before sitting in her dressing room and removing the wig that hides the True Artiste Within. But, GASP as Katy looks into the mirror and she slips into a daydream. 

Now we're in badly plotted music video fairytale land as Katy stalks around a giant maze (the only way this video could be deemed as amazing, hahahahahahahahah-sorry), eats a strawberry and meets a lost little girl (THIS MIGHT BE IMPORTANT LATER). Katy then runs down an alley-way before being confronted by scary demonic paps (because you see they are stealing her SOUL by photographing her so much!), breaking a mirror and ending up in some kind of insane asylum where scary minotaur dudes appear (at this point, I should concede that they did look pretty cool.). Little Girl steps in with some foot stamping that sees them off, freeing Crazy Perry to frolic out of the maze and meet her Prince Charming. But, WAIT! Katy has had a moment of clarity, she is quite literally Wide Awake to the patriarchy-enforcing role of Prince Charming and is having none of it so she punches him and runs away. Yes Katy! You Go Girl! Sisterhood!!!

Katy turns to her little girl partner in crime and bids her farewell as she presses something into her hand. She scurries away (probably to kick her mom in the shins for booking her such a cheesy gig) while Katy stares wistfully after her and OH MY GOD PLOT TWIST the little girl has the name Kathryn on her bicycle name plate!!!1!!11! Which is in fact Katy's real name! Like, don't lose sight of your dreamz guyz. You too can work your ass off and shot whip cream/fireworks/whatever you desire out of your boobs and have multiple number one hits.

Katy opens her hand to see a beautiful CGI butterfly flap away and we are back with Katy In Real Life in her dressing room clad in tour opening outfit. Looking bewildered, the butterfly flys away and seamlessly (i.e. not at all) transitions into the closing shot which is Katy arriving on stage for her show. The same show that is, funnily enough, the subject of the big-screen documentary this song is the single for. What beautiful synergy.

In short, this video is a cloying, overdone mess that takes a rather good pop song, a quite likable child actor and some cool minotaur guys and turns it into an overly sentimental eye roll inducing mess. And the funny thing is, it's still better than her last video which featured Perry with a ridiculous short haircut dancing like a blindfolded monkey under a flag and being the world's most incompetent solider. Good Lord.

I'm still probably going to go see that documentary though. So really, it's Katy Kathryn Hudson Perry Formerly Brand who is the true winner here. Balls.

Album Review: Cheryl - A Million Lights

If your experience of Cheryl Cole's last album was anything like mine you were probably dreading her next solo effort. 2010's Messy Little Raindrops was pieced together in between Cole's near-death experience with malaria (No, really) and her X-Factor judging slot. And boy did it show. A gloopy mess with only a handful of decent upbeat tracks (and an underrated single in Promise This) it still stands out as one of the worse blockbuster pop albums I've ever heard.

A Million Lights arrives as Cheryl (who seems to have shed off that surname like they were last season's 6-inch heels) sets out to remind everyone she's all about the music, not just a tabloid obsession but a proper popstar. No, she isn't possessed of Mariah-style pipes or a Gaga style penchant for writing her own material but Cheryl does possess oodles of charisma, a voice that on the right material delivers plenty of pop drama and knocks out dance-move driven videos that put many bigger stars to shame.

The overall result is certainly enjoyable but feels strangely unmemorable. Now that she's away from Girls Aloud winning partnership with Xenomania the quirky, unique-but-accessible tunes of their heyday are out of their grasp as she aims for what she must think are more sophisicated "cooler" pop tunes. When it works, it's thrilling. Call My Name stands head and shoulders above the rest of the material here. It's the only surefire moment of star quality on the album from a popstar who needs as many of them as she can get.

That's not to say this is a bad album by any means. Craziest Things and Love Killer are mid-tempo numbers infused with dubstep touches that work well and see Cheryl sing with a vigour that suggests singing about love gone wrong comes naturally to her. Screw You, already earmarked as a potential second single, is more up-tempo but covers similar ground. While it got press types into a lather it's not quite as punishing or aggressive as you'd expect. A tad underproduced, it never quite hits the boxes it's aiming for, a criticism you can sadly level at the majority of the material here.

Two mid-tempos that do work surprisingly well are the Lana Del Rey penned Ghetto Baby which has Cheryl sing in a huskier register and do a Lana impression to decent effect and the Girl In The Mirror whose glitchy beat and angsty lyrics have a refreshing bite missing from other tracks.

Sexy Den A Mutha however, is as ridiculous and amazing as the title suggests. Though it's straightforward club-pop production might sound like quite a few other chart smashes, it's one of the few really stand-out tracks with a great sense of build up and plenty of "watch Cheryl dance her socks off to this in a video" potential.

Sadly as is the case with most pop albums there are a couple of dreary ballads (including the dreadful title track) to contend with, an attempt at a Bruno Mars style number in Under the Sun that doesn't quite convince and a song that seems to be included purely for war/soldier/fighting metaphors  that will appease her fanbase who she affectionately calls soldiers (the yawn-inducing All Is Fair).

A Million Lights isn't a turkey but it still feels like the steady start Cole made with her first album has yet to be followed through. Hardcore fans will find some stuff to enjoy but the majority will only need a few tracks to sneak into their iTunes playlists. It seems that killer Cheryl album is sadly still a long way off.

A Million Lights is released tomorrow in the UK and is available now in Ireland.

Misha B's Home Run Video: Some Notes

If like me you didn't see much of The X-Factor last year you probably still caught some of Misha B's performances on Youtube because she was clearly the best thing on the show. By a country mile. Those pipes, that natural charisma, she's every inch the popstar no matter what press reports about "diva antics" might have lead you to believe.

Thankfully, Misha B's debut single Home Run is legit amazing. It's got a brilliant, jerky rhythm with production dripping in neat touches (kudos to MNEK on that front) and it sounds fresh and appealing, a world away from the rather anonymous dance-pop that is starting to clog the charts.


Misha B has just "dropped" (Technical term) the video for Home Run and it is also very very very good. In fact in this sea of general good things Misha B is bringing here is a list of the key things we've learnt from the video. After a grand total of one viewing. That's called "in-depth journalism" in case you were wondering.


1: Misha B likes to do a bit of dancing but not too much: Misha knocks out some slick moves alongside her dance troupe (What do I have to do to get a troupe of dancers? I am serious.) but in a way that's very effortless and "oh this? just some killer choereo I learnt when I had a few minutes". Which is even more amazing in itself.


2: Lyrical Bling: Misha helpfully reminds us of the songs name by wearing a Home Run knuckleduster. I am here for this kind of lyrical bling in pop videos and think it should be mandatory for all popstars to sport jewellery with their song names on it at all times.


3: Head Shaking: Lots of sassy, hair shaking in this video. Not quite the Britney Hair Flip but still impressive.


4: UV Body Paint Fun: In the list of "things that work amazingly well in pop videos but would probably an absolute mess in real life" Misha and co. do some dancing in UV body paint covered in crazy designs. It looks very nice and is intercut beautifully with the standard shots. If you need me I'll be down the hardware shop in the NEON PAINT aisle.


If that isn't enough to convince you of the merits of the video then give it a look below. 

  

Home Run is released on the 13th of July in Ireland and the 16th in the UK.

6 of The Best : Pop Culture Treats of the Week

Friday is here and it's time for me to reflect on the pop culture week that was. Here are 6 things I really really loved this week.

1: Andrew Garfield and his perfect hair is perfect 

No more explanation needed. Peep these .gifs and SWOON.

2: Madonna Boob Hysteria: A Plea For Sanity

Madonna flashed a bap at a stop on her MDNA tour this week and it's really not that big a deal you guys. This Buzzfeed piece is a perfect explanation why.

3: Charlize Theron is like, REALLY funny

I stumbled on Charlize's interview with Chelsea Handler this week and it is SO FUNNY. And apparently she did stuff with Funny or Die and wouldn't you know it, those videos are pretty funny too. The sooner she ends up in a Bridesmaid style comedy the better really.

4: RuPaul is obviously amazing and deserves an Emmy

You'll feel the same after this short but sweet interview with ET Online.

5: Gaze Film Festival Announces Irish Short Film: 

The Dublin LGBT film festival Gaze will be screening Irish shorts this year and it's first pick The Arrival is a hoot. Check out the trailer below:

6: Lady Gaga to Release A Perfume

The details leaked online this week and Gaga soon confirmed the details on her first ever fragrance. The first official poster for the fragrance is also amazing. I can say without any shame that I am dying to give this a sniff.

 

Just a handful of the things that had me jumping about with glee this week. Feel free to leave your suggestions below!

Azealia Banks Debuts Liquorice Video

Azealia Banks has ridden an impressive wave of hype within the year or so. She's already dramatically quit Twitter (and returned) and said she doesn't want to rap anymore but nothing seems to be really slowing Azealia down. She's just released the EP 1991, a four track collection that serves up enough of a teaser for that full length effort.

After 212, one of the key Azealia tunes that's had tongues wagging is the buzzing, jumpy house-tinged track Liqourice. A confident, attitude laden number, it doesn't quite have the frenetic dancefloor blast of 212 but it still pops a mighty punch. 

The track's new video has British photographer Rankin helming a sexy, impressive clip that sees Banks in Wild West territroy while also finding time to work a pair of cutoff denim shorts. It's a polished, big budget video that lets Banks vamp it up to the camera and show off the sort of visual flair her myriad fashion shoots have had (her team-up with uber-stylist Nicola Formichetti helping her no end). 

Peep the video below:

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda Vol. 02 : Lindsay Lohan - Stuck

I did a post in this vein AGES ago and when I co-hosted the Boombox radio show on RTE Pulse we made Coulda Woulda Shoulda a weekly feature, picking tracks we thought should have been massive, never got to be singles etc! It's now back with a feature from one of my favourite Hollywood trainwrecks/occasional popstar Lindsay Lohan

(cover art from Coverlandia) 

Lindsay has released two albums, Speak in 2004 and the follow up A Little More Personal (Raw) in 2005. Although she never scored a huge hit there were some enjoyable moments scattered between both albums and Lohan has a decent voice with a husky, emotional side you mightn't expect. A third release, a R&B pop effort called Spirit In The Dark was mooted for 2007. But despite the single Bossy being officially released in 2008, written and produced by Ne-Yo and Stargate no less, there hasn't been anything else released by La Lohan.

There have been plenty of leaks however and the standout track is a gem called Stuck. A moody, synth pop number with waves of guitar splashed all over it, the track only exists as a slightly unpolished demo but it feels like a bonafide hit. It's not clear who wrote or produced the track, which appeared online in 2010 but it would still work as a radio-ready pop track today. The big-chorus has lashings of drama ("Sticky fingers, sticky hands, sticky everything!" Lindsay wails) while the verses see Lohan giving it plenty of growling sass. 

Even Marina and the Diamonds is a fan it seems. In an interview with Elle US for their 2011 music she sung the track's praises:

ELLE: What song are you listening to on repeat?

Marina: Remember that Lindsay Lohan demo from last year "Stuck"?

Elle: No...?

Marina: Oh, you have to Youtube it! It's the perfect pop song. It's such a shame it wasn't released I wish they would give it to me!

To be honest, if it's good enough for Marina then it's good enough for me. Stuck is something of a hidden gem and a perfect contender for Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda. With Lindsay finally back on the movie thing (she's filming a Liz Taylor TV movie now and then slated to film with Brett Easton Ellis next month) maybe a pop comeback is in Lindsay's future? 

Give Stuck a listen below:

Music Video Showdown Vol. 02: Wynter Gordon, Usher and Sky Ferreira Do Battle

It's time to line up a handful of new pop videos, see what we like about them and then award them imaginary MTV Moonmen out 10 (I wish I had a Moonman :(((( I really do) It is a battle of sorts, so apply some sports reference to this showdown and let us begin!

Usher - Scream

What Is It? Single no. 2 from Usher's latest album Looking 4 Myself (Plug alert. It's this week's GCN album of the week, full review from myself here). The upbeat tune with co-writing help from Max Martin has been kicking around for a while now, a slightly different vibe to the first single Climax (Which. was. AMAZING). This manages to stand out from similar dance-pop tunes with some sprightly production, surprisingly raunchy lyrics and spirited vocals from the man himself. The video has finally arrived this week. 

Is It Any Good? Um, it's a bit BORING if we are being 100% honest with you all. The clip looks budget (You get the impression they blew all the video budget money on that gorgeous clip for Climax awhile back) and has an odd concept. Usher runs around a black tunnel and does a few dance steps in a nice white suit, a hot girl swims above, which implies Usher is perhaps stuck downstairs in an aquarium. Then he flaps about in a Balmain-y jacket, a high-street knock off of which you probably bought 3 years ago. Then in the closing moments Usher has a dance with Aquarium Girl and suddenly appears at a live show where lots of punters flail around. If it sounds exciting it's really not and for someone with so many moves it's odd how little dancing there is. Sigh.

Do Say: "Usher sure can pull off a white suit"

Don't Say: "WHAT IF THE GLASS BREAKS ON THE AQUARIUM AND YOU DROWN USHER?? WHAT IF??"

MTV Moonmen out 10:  5

 

Sky Ferreira - Red Lips

What Is It? The new clip from the buzzed about singer-model-blogger favourite who has had many fawning over her quirky electro-pop and beautiful, husky voice for a few years. Still only 19, Sky has struggled to find a style and identity as an artist that lets her speak for herself. This track is the lead single from forthcoming debut album Wild At Heart. Red Lips, co-writen with recently-returned rockers Garbage is a scuzzy, gritty guitar-pop number with a snarly, aggressive momentum that will win you over.

Is It Any Good: Well yes. And no. It's directed by photographer Terry Richardson whose infamously sleazy style has made him a huge name and seen him shoot basically everybody for the cover of every magazine ever. As such, it looks exactly how you'd expect a Terry Richardson music video to look. Sparse, lo-fi lighting and plenty of uncomfortable sexuality. The imagery veers too much between a satirical take on the sexualisation of young women in pop videos and just being a few minutes of a young girl flapping about in her knickers. Ferreira is an intelligent and underrated talent and the way the video is set up as poking fun at the presentation of beauty in pop videos is interesting but ultimately it feels like Ferreira isn't really in control and the result is somewhat uncomfortable to watch. Not least because the whole thing features an ENORMOUS SPIDER CRAWLING AROUND : (

Do Say: "Isn't it nice to have Sky back?"

Don't Say: "I would love to have a tarantula crawl all over me!"

MTV Moonment out of 10 : 6

Wynter Gordon - Still Getting Younger

What Is It? The 4th single from the underrated US dance-pop queen's With The Music I Die Album/EP (depending on what country you're in.) Wynter had a huge hit with Dirty Talk but her other tracks haven't quite been as big. Which is a shame because her track record is pretty great and this one is no different. A breezy, 80s tinged number with a beautiful sense of yearning strewn across it's thumping beat, it's a pitch-perfect summer pop song. 

Is It Any Good? Yes. This isn't a huge splashy pop video but it completely brings the track to life. Wynter frolics on a building rooftop, having a water fight with her beau and looking  cool in various lovely outfits. It moves at a great clip with Miss Gordon serving both sultry looks and an easy, knowing joy that is a welcome relief from the sexual posturing and would-be raunchy moves most pop divas are pulling at the moment (not that we don't love that kind of thing, but still). 

Do Say: "I really want to have a water-fight now"

Don't say: "I prefer Rihanna grabbing her crotch 23432 times in 3 minutes to be honest"

MTV Moonmen out of 10: 8

In this battle we our handing all the kudos to Wynter Gordon for not only wearing some nice denim cut-offs but proving that water pistols will always have a place in pop videos. 

A Quick Update

Posting has been hit and miss here of late but I've been beavering away with music writing elsewhere. Aside from regular print stuff for GCN (Gay Community News) I'm writing regular music features which you can find here.

Also, the Twotube run has ended for the season but you can catch my blog posts from across the season here.

The goal is to up the posting here considerably but do keep an eye on my Twitter for lots of daily ramblings on plenty of pop culture happenings.